9 Tips to Prepare for the 4th Trimester

It is very easy to be lost and pre-occupied about all the material things you need when you are expecting your first child: decorating the baby room, buying baby clothes, choosing baby toys and pram, thinking of your birth plan and anxiously imagining what labour would feel like. These are most probably the things constantly on your mind. As a first-time mum, there were stuff that I missed to prepare for that could have helped me cope with all the changes of parenthood. Most of these were intangible things. Hopefully I could make a difference by spilling the beans and learning from my mistakes as a new mum.

Prepare yourself emotionally.

Most couples don’t realise how emotionally draining parenthood could be. You need to work together to accept that there will be good and bad days. Looking back, I was mentally prepared for the idea of sleepless nights and constant feeding/nappy changes for the first months when the baby arrives but emotional rollercoaster was something that nobody warned me about. After a month of taking care of our bundle of joy, I was constantly tired, sleepy and emotionally anxious. How can you prepare for bad days? My advice is to start from accepting that these struggles are necessary to make you stronger as a person, as a couple and as a family. There will be bittersweet moments. When I started accepting all the changes in our daily routines and priorities, I started feeling better and inspired to get on with everything. Preparing for change is different from accepting and embracing it. It is in accepting change that you learn to cope and feel determined to fix things and keep your sanity. In those trying times, you will need each other’s comfort, encouragement and support. You will depend on each other especially in trying to juggle between personal needs and that of your baby. Learn the cues that could trigger anxiety and offer support to your partner as necessary.

No couple was ever the same after having a baby.

This is not at all a negative thought. Most couples learn a lot about their relationships and really get to know each other when there’s a baby added in the equation. Their bond becomes stronger because they have overcome the most difficult situations and learned how to be selfless for each other. With all the ups and downs, you’ll know more about yourself, your limitations, your strengths, drawbacks and small triumphs as parents. It is most fulfilling when these moments are experienced. And yes, be prepared to argue about the pettiest things. When this happens, just smile and remember that I warned you.

Expect that babies cry a lot.

Your baby’s cry is the only way he/she communicates to you. He has been inside the comfort of mummy’s womb for 9 months. Who won’t be frightened of this new world? Yes, there will be times when your baby’s cry will affect your emotions. In my case, my son’s cry was heart-wrenching and distressing at times. So, my husband has to take over to give me a break. If only I was warned about this intense feeling, I could have managed it better or I could have been more relaxed. One thing motherhood thought me was how to stay calm during stressful situations. Deep breathing exercises and pregnancy yoga will be very helpful before your baby is born.

Expect and accept that you will not be ok every time and every day.

No mama has said that she never had a meltdown or felt so drained. When you reach this point, you are finally at the peak of the 4th trimester. Hang in there because things do get better. Even if you think you are the coolest and the most easy-going person compared to all your friends, you are not exempt on this. The transition period from being a couple to having a child is not as easy as I thought. First time mums should be prepared to accept that at some point, you will not be ok and you will need help from your spouse or partner, friends and family. I was lucky enough to have my family and friends around to look after the little one so I could have a shower for example or to have time to do chores. If you are a friend or a family member of a new mum or dad, offer help and reach out even if you think they are doing well and visit them as often as possible. Having a baby could be very isolating especially in the middle of a pandemic so accept help when given the chance.

Accept that you will not be able to travel often in the first few weeks or months when the baby arrives.

As a couple, we love travelling and seeing new places whenever possible. I knew that travelling will not be feasible weeks after the baby arrives but I think I misunderstood this travel ban or I was in denial. I could remember my husband saying, “We could take the baby anywhere we want to go right?” Well, that was us being so naive. Our first few weeks were literally feeding and changing nappies whilst my body was recovering from childbirth. So, travelling was not possible at all. Luckily, we had a baby moon holiday when I was 4 months pregnant. We were determined to cancel the trip since we found out we were expecting but thankfully we didn’t and we were able to enjoy our last holiday as a couple in Spain. My advice is to enjoy your precious time together as a couple. Also, treat yourself with massages and spa treatments ideally before pregnancy because you will miss these pamper days when the baby comes. If money is tight, maybe consider watching a film at home and schedule massage nights. You can also make a list of all the things you enjoy as a couple and make them happen without delay.

Talk to your partner/husband about any worries as future parents and settle potential communication barriers.

Intimate conversations as a couple nowadays are more difficult for most of us. Thanks to the digital world and distractions such as mobile phones and social media. Effective communication is very important in building a strong relationship. Make time and effort to talk about any worries you both have as well as potential road blocks. For example, if your partner’s way of communicating is through shouting to get your attention, try to discuss ways on how both of you could express your thoughts and feelings better. Remember that your baby will be listening to you and would probably model these behaviours. Addressing potentially problematic behaviours is a must but no relationship is perfect. The most important thing is that you both know how to talk things over, learn from any mistakes and settle issues along the way.

Financially prepare for your maternity leave.

One way to prepare for a less stressful 4th trimester is to settle money matters. Talk to your employer about your maternity entitlement so that you know how much money you will expect monthly during your maternity leave. If you are in the UK and working on the NHS, you would probably expect full pay for the first 2 months of your maternity leave. Your salary will be reduced to half pay from 9th-26th weeks or 4.5 months. By 27th-36th weeks, your pay will likely be just your statutory maternity pay. Your statutory maternity pay (SMP) starts 2 months after your official maternity leave. This is on top of your normal pay. SMPs usually varies so check with your employer on how much SMP you are entitled to. Maternity entitlement also sometimes changes so always check with your employer. You should also check your annual leave entitlement to maximise your precious time with your little bundle of joy.

Follow your instinct.

No one has the best formula for being a good mum or the best recipe for good parenting. In fact, I stopped myself from reading parenting books when I was pregnant. I wanted my parenting style to be raw and unique. Also, I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy and not to be bombarded with too much information or expectations imposed by others. I relied on my memory of what parenting looks like from my mum and dad - their success and weaknesses as parents. I trusted my natural instinct as a mother. I think it turned out fine and I am still learning as I go along. Remember that our experiences will be unique and every mum and baby will be different. I’m sure you too will be just fine. These strategies worked for me but you might have a different perspective and do things completely the opposite. As what I have said, your style will be unique but remember to contact your GP or paediatrician for any health issues and concerns especially regarding your baby.

Prepare to be truly, deeply in LOVE.

When your baby arrives, your world will be very different but you will realise how special it is to bring new life into this world. This may sound very odd but the scent of your baby’s breath will be the sweetest (at least this was true to me). It will wake up all your senses and make you feel that he/she is ‘totally yours’ (you will understand this feeling when you get there). Their sleepy cuddles are the most special things you will ever experience. Sorry daddy but this is true. Even if you are sleepless and tired, you baby’s smile and coos will keep you going. Every milestone he/she achieves will be your success too. As they grow, they will be more and more expressive of their love to you. My little boy is now 2 and a half years old and he wakes me up with “I love you mommy so much!” and kisses. I will never trade these precious moments with anything in this world. Get ready to fall in love in a whole different level.